All of my posts have been a review on my initial grief and my growth through it. Navigating it. Today I want to talk about my present self. My present journey. My present struggles.
I have self-labeled myself a hot mess mom. It just is what it is at this point. I continually have the same struggles as everyone else. Or, at least I hope everyone else struggles as much as I do with the day-to-day tasks, parenting, work, and relationships. I know we can all so easily get sucked into the false reality of social media. This world is make-believe. I know this. You know this. Still, every day I feel myself comparing my successes and my accomplishments to influencers on social media. I don't make my kids gourmet lunches, I don't have a 5-course meal waiting for my husband when he arrives home, I don't have an updated calendar hanging for the whole family to visualize and see what our week looks like, and I definitely don't have a home without clutter. I'm me. I struggle every single day and I compound that with grief. I am definitely a hot mess.
What does my grief look like over five years into my journey? It's a missing piece. A missing plate to fill for breakfast. A missing backpack walking out the door. A missing head of hair to brush running to the car. A big, gapping missing piece of my heart that is violently propelled quickly back in my face at every moment of the day - big or small. Call me Marsha Brady.
You see, in my present, I have accepted that Bennett is not here. There is no more denial. He has been gone over five years. This is my normal. Does that mean I like it? Absolutely not. I hate it actually. Bennett is not here. I cannot hug him, I cannot wipe his face, I cannot pack his lunch, and I cannot walk him into his first day of school. I so badly wish he was here to play with his siblings, swim in the pool, and go on trips to see his family. But he is not here. I am reminded of this detail every second of the day. My normal. For the most part, my days are actually pretty good. I think about him often and I smile when he crosses my mind. The deep hatred, utter shock and pure disbelief have all grown smaller. The love and happy memories have filled those shoes - thankfully. I have pictures all over my house of him. His younger siblings constantly point him out and say that is their big brother who lives in Heaven. These moments always make me smile. I am happy they know him. They do not understand the complexity of losing Bennett and I am not sure they understand what heaven even is at this point, but we will get there. My days are for the most part pretty normal. Pretty typical. I struggle with being a better mother or person. I struggle with keeping up with the mundane tasks of being a wife, mother and friend. I'm normal. Most people would never know my child died. Until my life is no longer normal.
I will go weeks without breaking down. I will be having a great day and then a trigger will come out of nowhere. These triggers are usually random. Not anything that has caused me to break down in the past. They forcefully spin me back to June 4, 2018, or to when Bennett was in my arms. They remind me of the depth of my grief. They remind me of the depth of my loss. They remind me of my true reality. I really do not know if I have just done a really, really good job of processing my grief and accepting it or if I have pushed it down to survive? I question this daily. So many people tell me "I don't know how you are still here. I would die if my child died." Well one, that is hurtful. Do you think you love your child more than I love mine? Do you think I didn't die? Because let me be very honest here. I did die. The Krysten I was on June 4, 2018, died and the Krysten here today replaced her. I remember wanting to crawl into Bennett's casket. I remember not caring about life in general (I was never dangerous - I just did not care). The Krysten I am today had to FIGHT. She had to survive. There was no other option. I struggled, I screamed, I cried, and I fought for every breath I took for years following Bennett's death. So, trust me when I say if you know someone who lost their child - they died too. The reminders or memories these current triggers bring back are often debilitating. This is my current struggle. This is my now. This is the part of grief I am currently balancing. The normalcy of life with the whiplash of everlasting grief.
Within this stage of grief, I am able to also enjoy my present a little bit more. I am able to share Bennett with his siblings without breaking down. I am able to think of Bennett and miss him with all of my heart but smile at the same time. I am able to grasp the fact that his love is eternal and his love with never die. His love will never leave me. What a gift that is! He made me a mother. He made me a less selfish woman. He continues to teach me, guide me and sometimes even put me in my place. (We all need that sometimes). I am so very grateful for my time with Bennett even if it wasn't what I had pictured for our life on earth together. It took me a very long time to get here. He is my first child. He will forever live within my soul earth side. This part of my grief is so healing.
I credit writing for getting me to this place and point in my own grief journey. I wrote and vented for YEARS before sharing. It was my own private escape. I could write out my feelings, what triggered me that day, what made me smile, what memories I had and so much more. I still look back on what I have written in the past, and it gives me such clarity. It provides so much healing to see the growth within myself through the guidance of my love for Bennett. I have received so many comments, support and questions from people who follow and subscribe to this blog. Thank you. Thank you for so much love and support. My one goal in sharing my writing and sharing my own journey was to hopefully help others. To give a beacon of hope - even the tiniest light would do. That is why I created a thought-guided journal for people who have lost their child. In this journal I provide prompts, questions, and daily thoughts - all of which I still use daily. My hope is that those who use this journal will also have an outlet to go to and grow with.
As always, I am here. I am here for anyone walking this path. I would not be who I am today without my support system and those who walked this child loss path before me. I am forever grateful for them.
Krysten
You can find this journal on Amazon, through the link below, or on the "Shop" page of this website.
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