Writing this blog has already helped provide support to so many families and parents who are living with child loss. I am so grateful. I am so thankful. I have had so many people reach out and thank me for my honesty and my transparency.
Yesterday, I had a break down. I haven't had one like this in a while. It came out of nowhere. It was not expected. It was not triggered by words or anniversaries. It just bubbled up deep within my soul and poured out. Uncontrollably. As strong as I may appear and when I think of all of my growth I have experienced since Bennett died the truth is, I have my moments. I have my days. I have a lifetime to live with this ugly and all-encompassing pain. I have so many things to still be thankful for. I have my husband, my family, my friends and three beautiful children. That doesn't help when my grief travels through my body with no warning. Nothing helps in that moment. I am sad. I am in shock. I am in denial. I am blank. The questions come flooding back. Why my baby? Why me? How? This cannot be my life.
Unfortunately, it is my life. I cannot change my story. I cannot travel back in time and "fix" this. I cannot close my eyes tightly and wake up from this nightmare. All I can do is continue to move forward WITH Bennett.
I will admit, when the kids go to bed, I shamefully allow myself to spiral into that dark social media black hole. Sometimes for guidance, sometimes curiosity, and sometimes just boredom bring me there. Yesterday, I came across a song, "Walk down memory lane." It was beautiful. It was all encompassing of my feelings at that moment.
I will stare at pictures and videos for hours upon hours of Bennett, of me, of Taylor, of my family and friends, basically of my life before June 2018. It took me a long time to be able to even look at pictures of Bennett. I want to say ... MONTHS. If not a full year. Those photos were so painful. Bennett wasn't painful but the pictures were reminders I would never have another one. I would look at pictures from the days and months prior to his death and think "what if I would have known? Could I have changed the outcome? Look at how happy I am. Look at how happy Bennett is. I miss my old life."
Today, I am so very grateful for these pictures. They are my way to walk down memory lane. They are my way to be with Bennett again even if it's only a 20 second video. Sometimes when I am looking at these memories I can feel and smell Bennett again. I get lost in that moment that is captured. I am always so grateful for that. I am also able to share him with the people in my life that did not know him - including his younger siblings. They know him. They point to him. They say his name. It is heartwarming and heart wrenching at the same exact time. What I would give to have all three of my babies together. There is no measurement in existence to quantify this want of mine. The closest thing I have is my walk down memory lane.
As I see the shocking news of the recent school shooting in Nashville, TN my heart throbs. My emotions get the best of me. I know, to an extent, the pain those families are experiencing. The terrifying realization that you will never see your child or loved one again in this earthly life. My heart aches and my stomach drops for these three sweet children's families. The way most people feel right now reading about this tragedy, is still no comparison to actually living it. That is not to discount anyone's feelings. This is just to put into perspective how incredibly difficult and life-altering child loss is. There is no quick fix to ease their pain or lessen the burdens they are currently feeling. There is not a word that can be said to make it all go away. Send love, friends. Send prayers for strength and courage as they start walking this new path without their child. I hope they all have so many pictures of their child.
So, I will end by encouraging everyone to never delete a photo of your loved ones. Never. Even if the photo is a duplicate, not flattering, or not needed in the moment. The ability to capture moments so easily for us should not be taken for granted. I know we live in a fast-paced world. Take the time. Take the time to pull out your phone and take a picture of the normal things too. Take a picture of the "not so exciting things." Those things are the ones I yearn for the most.
I would not wish this pain or this seat on the child loss bus to anyone. But, just in case. Never delete a photo. Photos are a direct way to continue to walk down memory lane.
Krysten
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