Eventually, I promise I will get to immediate parts of losing Bennett. That time is honestly super hard for me to reflect on. It is at the same time very therapeutic for me - but in my own time.
I have always been a writer. Writing helps me "get it all out" or vent. If someone ever upsets me - you better believe I am writing them about it. I am sharing some of my writing from the months following Bennett's death here. I will be honest, some of them are super hard to read. I wanted so badly to "be better" I wanted to "be strong" as so many people said I was. I was honestly a shell of a person. I was trying to grasp onto anything that would possibly pull me out of the ocean of grief I was drowning in.
July 2018
Four weeks have gone to quickly without you my angel baby. Four whole weeks without your sweet smile, your sweet laugh, your sweet hugs, and your undeniable sweet love. This is not the life I expected for you, your Daddy, our families, or me BUT I am so grateful for our almost 16 months together. The amount of peace I feel at times can only come from you and with that I know you are still with me during my darkest times. I miss you more than anyone could ever possibly imagine but the love I have for you pulls me through and gives me HOPE. I love you sweet Bennett and can not wait to hold you in my arms again #mrgbfiles#mysunshine#angelbaby
One whole month without you Today is hard. I can only imagine the things you would be doing today - having fun with your Daddy and Pop in the pool, eating everything in front of you, enjoying the fireworks. I am sad. I am heartbroken. BUT I also know the amazing things you are doing with Gods loving arms wrapped around you. I continuously remind myself that yes, it has been one month without you my sweet child BUT it is also one month closer to when I get to hold you again. I live my days by remembering the one thing greater than fear is HOPE. I will cling to that until I see you again sweet Bennett - my love for you will never cease #mrgbfiles#angelbaby#mommylovesyou
August 2018
10 whole weeks since I’ve held you my sweet boy I can only imagine what adventures we would be having but I know deep down they do not compare to the things you are able to do now. One of my first reactions or thoughts I had when you left us was “Why not me?” Over the last weeks I have prayed and asked for peace. While visiting you the other day I came to the realization that I would much rather bear the pain of losing you than you have the pain of losing me. I am you mother and always will be. I miss you down to the depths of my soul. My number one priority is to make sure you are loved (and you know it) and that you are happy. I can say without a shadow of a doubt at this moment ... you know nothing but happiness and love. That in itself puts a smile on my face. I will bear this pain the rest of my life but it is worth it knowing you never have too. I love you my angel baby . #mrgbfiles#10weeks#mommyssunshine
September 2018
3 whole months without your lovable chunky self. Some days it seems like a lifetime, some days it feels like yesterday. I continue to cling to HOPE as each day passes .... each day is new. A new feeling, a new wave of perspective, a new path. I have talked to you so much over the past month and I am so very thankful you have continued to answer my questions. I know you are happy ... I am just not. People ask “how are you?” That’s a hard question to answer. Not only do I miss YOU my sweet angel but I miss my old life. I haven’t changed a diaper in 3 months ... that is excruciating sometimes. I haven’t had to rush home from a business trip because I was just ready to see you. Life changing, life altering, a total life flip. I know you have BIG plans for your Daddy and me ... I miss you, I love you, I will see you again. #mrgbfiles#angelbaby#mommymissesyou
October 2018
It may be football Saturday for most people ... but I got to visit with the most precious baby in the world. I love my alone time with him ... it brings so much peace when I’m surrounded by so much sadness. This journey is HARD ... I have to keep reminding myself that I’m making it. With every breath I take I am growing, I am learning, and I am SURVIVING. This life is not ok without you my sweet angel, but it is still beautiful. It is still beautiful only because of you and the sweet memories I continue to carry with me each day. I love you and I miss you more every single day that passes... but I know it’s one day closer to you. My angels marker is more than I could have ever imagined and was such a sweet surprise during my visit with him earlier this week. #mrgbfiles#mommysangelbaby#youaremysunshine
17 whole weeks since I kissed your sweet chunky cheeks Some moments I think social media is awful - but then I open my Timehop and see your sweet face. It brings such brightness to an incredible dark life. I found this on a grief page I am a member of. It really spoke to me today. Bennett has not left me, he has moved to my mind, my heart, and my soul - in a more impactful way than can ever be described. He has moved to the place that we all dream of. How lucky is he? He knows no evil, he knows no pain, and he is surrounded by bliss during every moment. On my child loss pages I am reminded that every single parent that has to endure this pain handles it differently. As a bereaved mother I wear several masks throughout my day. To you, I may look happy. To you, I may look like I’m conquering this journey. To you, I’m back to living life. To you, I am smiling. While all this is true they are all masks. I have learned in the short time without Bennett to wear them well - of course some days better than others. I am doing ok. But I’m not normal. I am back at work. But I’m emotionally exhausted. I am able to smile. But I’m also crying enough to create rivers. This has been a wake up call for me. You never truly know what the person you pass on the street is going through. We all have masks we wear on daily basis. So, just remember to be KIND. Remember we are all battling differently emotions and sometimes a nice smile can go a long way to someone in need#mrgbfiles#17weeks#youaremysunshine#mommymissesyou#haveHOPEbeKIND
4 months today. 122 days without George Bennett.
I have always seen and acknowledged the 1 in 4 campaign. Every time it tugged at my heart strings. I NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined I would be apart of this group. NEVER. That couldn’t happen to me? Not to my family? But it did. Unfortunately, families join this group every single day. Not knowing the journey in front of them.
This “group” has different paths. Miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, toddler loss, child loss ... the list can go on. BUT one thing I would love to share is everyone has different grief in this group. We all have pain. We all have suffered. We all had our dreams taken away. BUT we are different. No one should compare one grief to another ... be supportive. Be compassionate. Be kind. Be a shoulder to lean on. Be waiting with open arms. Be a friend. Don’t compare. Just listen and love. Everyone’s grief deserves acknowledgement... not comparison.
So, to all of my friends who have experienced child loss no matter the point in time ... I’m here. I’ll listen. I’ll love. We all matter and we all deserve to grieve.
Today is Child Loss awareness. Today is 19 weeks without you. Today is 133 days since I kissed your stinky feet. If a light could accurately represent how much my heart longs for you we would no longer need the sun. Tonight this light is just for you and your legacy. It is a reminder that you are still here, your life had purpose, and you will always be there to pull me out of my darkness. Child loss is forever ... child loss is crushing. You my sweet angel made me stronger, you made me whole, you gave me a new purpose for life. Continue to guide your Daddy and me... especially this week. I know your Grandma is loving all the attention and sweet snuggles she is getting from you tonight.
l love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be #mrgbfiles #childloss #angelbaby
November 2018
5 months without my angel Lately, the grief I experience is the “who would you be today?” 5 months is a long time in a toddlers life. So much growth, so much laughter, so much to learn. I can only imagine you would still be your sweet snuggly self - with a bit of an attitude (of course you got that from me). I can only imagine the adventures we would have conquered over the last 21 weeks - and for all of these things I grieve. And I grieve hard. I miss and love you with every breath and every heart beat. You are my sunshine, angel baby#mrgbfiles#mommasangelbaby
As Thanksgiving approached I felt heavy, alone, desperate, sad, and empty .... What on earth could I possibly be thankful for after the last almost 6 months? I reached deep down in my soul ... to the bottom of my broken heart and found many things to be thankful for, despite such dark times.
1. My husband - without him I would not be the person I am today. I can honestly say our marriage is STRONGER today than it was June 4, 2018. How? Lots of work, lots of tears, lots of love, and of course our pride and joy ... Bennett He has pulled us together when everything else tried to pull us apart. 2. My family - I can not even begin to describe the support my family gives me EVERY SINGLE DAY. They allow me to break down. They have seen me at my worst and still love me through it. Let me tell ya - that is truly remarkable - my worst isn’t pretty. 3. My friends - I have always been told that as you get older your friendships will change - some for the best, some not so much. Those who you once were close with drift away and others stand by your side with an unwavering love. My circle is tight - but gosh are they incredible. 4. Football - weird I know. But watching my little one play his last high school football game was priceless. It reminds me of the passion, the fight, and the endurance that lives deep within every one of us. That “fight” has gotten me through the holidays so far. 5. My faith and my future 6. My Bennett - there is not enough space to write down how thankful I am for him. Our time here on earth was short together - but it was BEAUTIFUL, it was PRICELESS, it was MAGICAL. I am most thankful for our wonderful memories. Those memories are what pull me through my darkest hours.
February 2019
Happy Heavenly Birthday to my precious George Bennett Files. You, my love, are so many perfect things wrapped into one. You are my serenity, you are my reason for living, you are my happy place, you are my words when I cannot find anything to say, you are the beating of my heart, you are the air in my lungs, and you are my legs that I walk on each day. But what is the most amazing thing about you? ... That’s easy. You are still all of those things to me even though I can no longer see you. You continue each and every day to teach me something new and that I am forever grateful for. I miss you more and more with every second that passes. It’s unfathomable when I wake up each day and realize this is not a dream. I can only imagine the day we would be having but I know it doesn’t compare to your celebration in Heaven. I hope your day is filled with so much love and joy while you dance the streets of gold my sweet boy. Please remember to visit me today and remind me you are ok. I love you sweet B.
Remember to be kind. I want to thank everyone who has reached out so far and shared their #randomactofkindness in honor of my sweet baby Bennett. They have brought tears to my eyes but so much happiness to my heart!
June 2019
“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.” - Winnie-the-Pooh
Today is hard. Today I can’t hide my grief and I won’t hide my pain. I cannot believe one whole year has passed without my sweet Bennett. 365 days without his sweet smile, cheesy grins, stinky feet, and unforgettable laugh. I wish there was something inspiring or thought provoking to write about this last year. I wish I could share some much-needed wisdom or a “how to” for other parents and families suffering this pain. I wish I had the answers on how to walk this path of child loss eloquently. I wish I knew how I have made it to this one-year mark. I wish I had more to give - because giving is my way of coping with this pain of not having my Bennett anymore. I don’t have any answers. This path is still just as hard as it was a year ago. I have grown so much in the past year - In my marriage, in my friendships, in my views, how I love, how I grieve, how I cope... everything has changed. Oddly enough - for the better. This journey is not easy and it’s not predictable. No two mothers are the same. No two spouses are the same. There is no right or wrong when it comes to this grief. We are all individually unique in all ways - including grief. When I look at the date June 4, 2018, I am surrounded by sadness, but it is encompassed with joy. On this day a year ago my angel baby actually became an angel. He was welcomed into God’s loving arms and embraced with more love, compassion, and grace than any of us could possibly dream of. How amazing is that? So today, we celebrate you, my son. We rejoice in the fact that you are dancing the streets of gold, you are able to watch over us in a way I would never be able to watch over you. You have granted me so much peace and wisdom this year - including your sweet little sister. I know you picked her for me. I know you have led your daddy and me closer to each other’s hearts. You have given me the strength to push forward, to cope, to give, and to live. You have inspired people from all over. You have opened hearts of strangers. You have helped other grieving parents. You, my sweet baby Bennett, have lived on. I am so proud of you. So, as this day comes to a close, I will remember the words Deacon Vic spoke at your funeral and I will remember that your love is eternal.
“We grieve for ourselves.
We have regrets— he has none.
We feel cheated— he does not.
We feel crushed— he is eternally free.
We miss him— he is perfectly content.
We may have doubts and fears—
He is in the arms of Jesus
wrapped in our prayers
wrapped in our love— for love is eternal.
I know this is true.
My prayer is that you will come to know it too.”
Mommy loves and misses you Bennett - I love you and miss you more with each second that passes. You have always and will always be Our Angel Baby
Thank you to everyone who reached out to me or my family today. This journey is difficult. The pain is unbearable... but with the support from friends and the love from family we will continue to embark on this journey with a little joy.
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