"Did you know that 50% of couples that experience the death of a child end up in divorce?"
I don't know how accurate this statement is, but what I do know is I was told this multiple times and it stuck in my head in the first few days or weeks after Bennett died. I remember thinking "are you kidding me?" "do you think that's what I need to hear right now?" "how dare someone say my marriage has a chance to fall apart." "what if it's true? How can I lose Taylor, too?"
Marriage changes. Marriage changes no matter what ups and downs it experiences. People change, views change, life changes, situations change, stressors change, finances change and so many other things can change after the day you say, "I do." But child loss. Yeah, that's a big one. It's a heavy one. It's one you never think will affect your marriage or your family.
I knew marriage would be tough at times and I knew it would take a lot of hard work. I was naive in thinking when I married Taylor, we would never experience great loss. Hey, I was 27 and had never known anyone personally who had to experience and push their way through losing a child. I read about it, I feared it, and I showed compassion for those stories I read regarding losing a child. That wouldn't happen to me. That wouldn't happen to my child. That wouldn't happen to Taylor. That wouldn't happen to my marriage. And then it did. It came out of its black hole, spun around violently, and punched us in the stomach like a WWE fight. Knock Out.
That first month was terrible. Unfortunately, I did not care. I did not care who loved me, I did not care who needed my love, I did not care if I dressed for the day, I did not care to put food in my mouth. I just didn't care. I didn't want to die but I definitely did not fear death. If my son could do it, so could I. I lost sight of the fact my husband, my person, the only person in this world that understood me was also feeling these emotions, this pain, and this overwhelming sensation of fear and confusion. That is where therapy made all of the difference in the world. I am so thankful for our therapist. She saved us. She guided us. She made us communicate and learn from each other. You see, yes, we experienced the same loss, but we expressed our emotions very differently. We had to put in the work. We had to decide to work together through this tragedy. We had to realize we were no longer the same people we were on that beautiful beach day in March that glowingly said "I do through better and worse." We were changed. Changed to our core, our souls, our thoughts and our breath. We were utterly and completely different people. We needed to learn to love our new selves. That was something else we had to learn to grieve. Our former selves. Our innocence. We did this through therapy. Every single week. Most of the time together, some of the time separately. I learned that I am a "talker" I want to talk it out and want to resolve my issues right then and there. While Taylor on the other hand needs a moment. He needed 30 minutes when he got home from work to decompress, feel his emotions, and deal with his thoughts in his own space. We grieved differently. That is ok. Having someone to teach us and guide us through our own grief while also explaining how the other grieves was huge. I could never thank my therapist enough. Without her, I don't know. I can't say we would have gotten a divorce, or we would have continued on in our marriage, but I can say we would not be as strong as we are today. We would not be able to raise our other two children with the strength and respect we have for each other now. Taylor is the one person in this world that understands my pain and my sadness on the same level. Although we may express those emotions differently, we also use them to better our foundation. Opposites are not always a bad thing.
Your marriage has the possibility of growing into brighter more beautiful moments. It has the possibility to lift you up on your weak days, carry you over that ocean of misery, and make you smile again. For Taylor and me, learning to communicate and learning how to deal with tragedy has made our day-to-day marriage unbreakable. With that being said, we are just one couple. This worked for us. I do know of many others who went the opposite direction, and again, that is ok. Every grief journey is different and unique. Your decisions are your own and as long as they are healthy decisions, you are just continuing to build your tool belt.
We got very lucky and found a therapist that worked well with us on our first try. This is not always the case, but I encourage anyone that is traveling this path of child loss to reach out and find that additional help. It does not make you weak. It does not mean you can't do this on your own. Therapy is just another tool. You will pick up several tools along this journey that will help you cope for the rest of your life, and I am most thankful for therapy. It saved my marriage and made me fall more in love with my husband than I ever thought was possible. We will continue to embrace these moments we have until we see our sweet Bennett again.
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